There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
