I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
