someone get that fucking seahorse.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize