i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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