She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
