tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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