When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize