nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
