If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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