Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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