I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
