I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
