I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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