I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
