my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
