When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
