Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I queefed so loud it echoed.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize