I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
