The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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