What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
