Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
