She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
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