I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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