Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You're a waste of cheezeits
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
