I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
