I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
