so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
