Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
