mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
