I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
