Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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