girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
