We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
