dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
