I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
