my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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