Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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