they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
