have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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