my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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