I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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