Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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