My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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