When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
