I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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