I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Dear god my vagina.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
