and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
