I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
