Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
