dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Pooping to opera.
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