Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
