So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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