Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
