Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize