Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
