he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
