Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize