I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So vagazzling was a success
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
