I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
there is glitter all over my balls
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
