im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize