Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize