Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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