Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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